AA

So truth be told, I'm a writer but I never try to because I'm afraid.  Truth be told, I'm a poet, and a designer but again I never try because I'm afraid.  If I tell you how many pieces I've written in my head, I'd be a millionaire.  I think a lot, speak a bunch but not really what I dream.  My mind thinks about things constantly.  Like how I would rebuttal an issue or the many issues I'm passionate about.  I think about how to make things.  I pull them apart in my mind, can unfold an object and rebuild it, find the problems and redo it again.  I think about poetic pieces and different topics to write about.  Honestly, there's nothing more than saying I just don't do it because of fear.

 

See growing up, I wasn't the artistic one in my family.  All three of my brothers could draw and I mean draw well.  They each had their own style but there were good.  I remember a piece my oldest brother did of a horse and you could see the definition of it's muscles.  It was simply done in black ink but what made it extraordinary was that it was done out of 1000's of small black dots, basically pointillism.  You wouldn't know from first glance but getting close to it, you could see his execution, it was amazing!  To the point that it got framed and hung in our home.  Then my second brother, he's the "artsy" one.  He is the "Renaissance Man", he draws and really well, think Avatar but with far more worlds and characters,(Avatar should have been his creation truthfully speaking, he's that good - shameless plug: Absolutely!!!) he sculpts, he writes, he designs, he's flipping ridiculous!  And my third brother, he draws as well, really good with landscapes and child like comics.  So yes, they all had some sort of artistic expression and were really good at it.  They didn't all pursue this as a career but for what it's worth, they are gifted.  

 

As for me, I wasn't the drawer.  My sculptures were truly like the menial gifts a child makes for their mother, and my drawing was solely of simple geometric shapes on my notebooks, lol.  I laugh looking back because that's not where my forte laid.  I love art, but more over pursued it with instruments and even then, I wasn't all that amazing and had to give them both up before anything could really come of it.  I did learn to draw portraits in middle school and that was fun.  For some reason I did alright at that and knew if I had a chance, maybe that would have gone somewhere but again, I let that go.  So as you see my artistic expression wasn't really anything to be doted.  However, though I didn't focus on the arts, I pursued science and I pursued it hard core.  I knew at an early age that I wanted to be a doctor so even before I hit high school I made sure to get into the right classes to set myself up to make my dream come true.  I did everything to the point of taking 2 math courses one year because that was what I thought I wanted.  I still remember my senior year classes because I didn't take the easy route, I wanted to achieve and so I did what any achiever would do and loaded myself up with AP courses: English, Calculus, Physics, and Chemistry.  Note, I would have added Biology if I could but my schedule wouldn't permit it.

 

Anyhow, this was me, the science driven achiever or so I thought.  What does any of this have to do with art, well here's how.  When I went to college, within my first semester I was bored.  Science, though fascinating bored me.  What I enjoyed was communication and I joined clubs like gospel choir, dance, etc.  I joined things that fed into my artistic side and that made me happy but I never thought about pursuing a degree in it, plus because of my background my parents were not going to have it.  It just wasn't what children of West African parents did.  Believe me, it was a battle not worth fighting.  Sadly, I continued in science to the point of convincing myself that studying genetics and going into research would help... though I really liked genetics, I was lying to myself and God knew it.  So what did He do... He literally left me in a place where I could no longer continue college because of family and financial problems.  I came back home not knowing what to do and what to make of my life.  I really hit a brick wall and this time, there was no way around it at all.

 

I worked for over 2 years with no direction and somehow in this time my artistic desires started to arise.  I began writing poetry more.  It started in high school because of one of my English teachers but I continued, secretly while going through college.  I began singing in a Christian group and we would travel to different churches, events, and venues and I l loved it.  I even started a dance ministry for the youth in my church.  Then I remember being at my younger cousin's house one day and she was flipping through a bridal magazine fantasizing about her wedding day and what dress to wear.  As she picked a dress that she liked, out of nowhere I told her why that dress wouldn't be flattering for her body type and what dress would look better on her.  She understanding and simultaneously perplexed simply looked at me and asked why I wasn't in fashion.  That question was the beginning of my reintroduction to the arts. 

 

Such a simple question but I didn't have an answer.  I couldn't give a reason to why I wasn't pursuing fashion.  I was always particular about what I wore and knew what I wanted even at a young age.  I remember dragging my mother from store to store looking for the perfect 8th grade banquet outfit.  I didn't want to be like everyone else.  I wanted espadrilles and a linen outfit.  I think back at times where I wanted something specific, not so much out there but just my own, I had a need to express myself differently and was not satisfied until I accomplished it.  I remember designing my senior prom dress in my mind.  I could see the soft purple color, the mini train, and the flowing chiffon but being disappointed because I couldn't get it made.  So when that question arose, I didn't have an answer better yet, I didn't have an excuse.  What did I do after that?  I decided to pursue my passion and go to school for fashion.  What a 180 degree turn from being a genetic doctor.  Funny though, my mother was down for my cause.  So I moved to Florida and pursued my degree in fashion design and graduated. 

 

See this is all interesting because I now, over a decade later am still just getting to a place to understand and accept more so that I am artistic.  Yes, I have my geeky side and I love that to but exploring my artsy side hasn't been easy.  I've tried keeping it structured and many a times down play it as well.  I tell myself and many others that I like that business side of fashion.  I like the behind the scenes, which I do.  I tell people that I am more business minded, which is partially true because I do see strategies and systems.  I've kept myself in this nice neat box which fits me, my family, my culture, and sadly enough society to believe that I am more business savvy then artistic when the reality is that I am both.  But truthfully speaking, I love the artistic side of me.  It brings me peace.  I'm at home when I'm creating and sewing.  I'm at home writing, journaling, or writing poetry.  It does something to me.  I love expressing myself in an artistic manner. 

 

I've not wanted to come clean with this or really admit this to myself because like I said before "I'm not the artistic one in my family."  However that statement is rendering itself to be a lie and God is patiently showing me this.  Even now as I write, I have memories of me watching TLC and HGTV because I loved seeing the design process, whether it would be a make over of a person or the interior of a home.  It really spoke to me.  I wondered where this artistic person came from in me but it's quite easy to trace, see every year when I was in elementary school and even into middle school my mother would sew a one of a kind dress for picture day and every year I received plenty of compliments from the other kids mothers who just adored my dress and were shockingly surprised upon asking where I got it at, I would reply that my mother made it. 

 

My mother was a great seamstress and still is.  You see, my mother not only sews but she also knits, crochets, does needle point and macramé as well.  And she has a great green thumb.  This drawing to being artistic is not just a matriarchal aspect but it also comes from my father.  He is not so much the drawer by my dad is more of a technical artisan.  He created and designed the blueprints for our house back in Cameroon.  All the furniture in our house in Africa, he designed and got made and just like my mom, he's an amazing gardener as well.  He would grow everything and together because of them, I understood the execution, creativity, and function of a farm.  Plus it helps that both of my parents are excellent cooks.  Whenever my father got a new maid, he would teach her how to cook and not just any meals but traditional Cameroonian meals, which is no small feat, and other things alike.  So this artisan, isn't as far fetched from me as I thought it would be.

 

It's crazy that it took this long for me to realize this but like it says better late than never.  As I grow in my artistic abilities what I have had to learn is that I can create whatever it is I want to create and not have to be like everyone else.  So designing and making jewelry out of Ankara fabric, creating interior home goods, writing poetry, and just writing however I feel is what is great about this because there is no specific formula to art.  That's what makes it art.  It can take on an organic function all its own self.  But what I find to be the greatest thing is that it is a reflection of God because He is the best artist I know.  Just look at the world around us from savannah, to the mountains, to outer space.  It's all art and it's all good.  So though my fear has definitely kept me back from sometime now, I think I'm ready to finally come out of my artistic closet and just say that I am an artist and there is nothing wrong with that.  I feel like I'm at an AA(Artist Anonymous) meeting: "Hi, my name is Fulei and I'm an artist."

 



Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!

Genesis 1:31a

Rare

 

So in thinking about a lot of things I'm coming to the conclusion that being honest, true unadulterated honesty is very rare.  Think about it, how many people do you know tell the truth all the time?  I don't mean brutal truth that its sole purpose is to hurt but just an adultered, pure honesty.  I don't know too many people like that including myself.  The reason that I started to think about this is because we look for people to be transparent, we say that we want to know the heart of a person, we want to know there deep truths, who they really are and yet we do not live like that ourselves.  Instead we have so many defense mechanisms and boundaries up that we don't know how to truly be honest.

 

We say we want a partner who is honest but do you really?  We say we are all about being real but are we?  We say that we always come with the realness and portray the truth of who we are but do we?  I know for me that this is a hard truth to accept.  I am not exempt from any of this at all.  I am in the same boat with every single person walking the face of this earth.  We as humans do not want honesty.  We want to be lied to and in turn lie to others and that is the real honest truth!  We do not know how to be honest nor do we want honesty because if were to really take a deep look at ourselves and be very honest with how we are we would see the truth for what it is, we enjoy lies. 

 

In the past few months and recently weeks, I've had to do some real digging and had to be very honest with myself about myself and why I am the way I am and trust you me, it was not easy.  If anything, it hurt... a lot!!!  The truth hurts because I see how for so long I've lied to myself about myself.  So really now taking time to have to sit at the feet of Jesus, repent and have Him strip me in order to reveal the real me has been quite painful.  This process is not something that many people even Christians are willing to go through.  I know I fuss and fight back and walk away and ignore and just want to give up at times but it's in those moments that Jesus loves me even that much more. 

 

The reason behind all this stripping and being honest really came down to a simple truth, Jesus wants me to be honest with Him... in everything.  This sounds cliche and we tell ourselves but of course He does and it makes sense but how many of us really go there and are truly honest with Christ?  Not in a disrespectful manner but in a heart to heart.  I know I wasn't.  I know I could be honest with Jesus about certain aspects in my life concerning calling, purpose, ministry you know the things we deem to be 'Christian' in our lives.  Yea, I could be honest about this.  But to be honest about my personal desires, my hurts in those deep places, my short comings and my true worries, nope, I wasn't going to go there and say anything about it.  I was going to deal with those things solo or just put them on the back burner because I felt that they were petty, not important and just plain didn't matter.

 

For whatever reason, these past few months have been the hardest because Jesus has been showing me and telling me that He wants to know about those issues I put on the back burner.  I couldn't wrap my mind around it.  I couldn't understand why He wanted to know about those things and then I was reminded about Ps. 139.  We usually like wearing out this Psalm because of the verse that says I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Yep, we love quoting that part of the scripture because it makes us feel so good but Jesus showed me from verse one: O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.  Right there!!!  We gloss over this part and it's the very first verse.  I know I have glossed over that verse many times but no longer.  To know that Jesus has examined my heart and knows everything about me, that made me start to understand that He already knows about those backburner issues.  He's always known and it's important to Him. 

 

I don't know about you but this made me think about His omniscience.  He knows everything but not in some overview but in a detailed way.  If Jesus knows the number of hairs on my head that tells me it's an intimate knowing so then where would I get this idea that He doesn't care about my 'petty' issues?  For me it's come from a lot of influences, family, friends, society, racism, church but the real bottom line issue is sin.  It's a lack of humility and pride in me.  I didn't want to tell Jesus and be unadulteratedly honest with Him about those issues.  Since I've grown up in church and a Christian household, I learned and cultivated a style to speak to God but not about petty issues.  It was more important to pray and lift up those who are sick, to preach the gospel, to be in ministry and minister to the poor.  My issues they have no involvement or place in ministry.  I had to get over myself and look to Christ.  I surrendered myself, repented and moved on. 

 

Not so.  Not knowing that those things were still in the back of my mind and to a point where I couldn't get rid of the thoughts.  Where the thoughts would over take me.  Where when I wasn't doing ministry, my mind would go there.  It started to just bring itself up and so I did the church thing.  I prayed.  I cried out and surrendered again.  I told Jesus to take this cup from me and I kept it moving.  Well now, I've reached a point where I can no longet do that.  It's too much and Jesus is pressing me to tell Him.  How can I tell Him that I don't want to be single anymore?  How can I tell Him that what my father said 2 weeks ago is affecting me?  How can I tell Him that I'm scared about being myself?  How can I tell Jesus that i don't feel wanted?  How can I tell Jesus that I still don't feel like I fit in?  How??????  That was my question.  How can I tell Him any of this?  This is petty to people.  This is frivolous.  The kingdom is at hand and that is where my mind is supposed to be.  In ministry.  In souls, in preaching the gospel.  Not in feeling that I still feel like a little girl, not that I'm missing my dad, not that I so desire to have a family.  Nope, singleness is what He has given me and I am supposed to be focused on ministry.

 

My life is supposed to be an open book to Him but what happens when it's not?  That's why I say we don't really like honesty.  Because what we see as surrender and honesty is not what Jesus sees.  He already knows everything about you, so why then do we hide?  Why are we so afraid to just speak to Him about those issues?  My friend put it in a real simple but tangible way.  She said it's like when her son spills a cup of water on the floor and then scrambles to clean it up.  Not knowing that she's there looking and watching and saw what happened.  Then he comes to her and talks to her about all these good things that happened that day and he's just smiling like nothing happened.  She's just waiting for him to say, "Mom, I spilled a cup of water on the floor."  As simple as that is, that how Jesus is with us.  He already knows and He sees, He's just waiting for us to confess those things.  He wants the confession so He can tell you, "I know, I just wanted you to say something."  In that simple phrase Jesus is telling you, He already knew but He just needs you to speak so that now it can be dealt with.  Jesus isn't vengeful and looking to tell you 'I told you so!' or rub it in but to let you know He cares.

 

He cares about the very things you care about.  If it is a concern for you, it's a concern for Him.  God is our father and He wants to be that true father but He can't if you don't allow Him to and this is where I am.  I want God to be my father, the father who cares about my the pain and insecurity I've carried around since I was a child.  He wants to be that father that can hold and embrace you and tell you how beautiful you are even when no one else said anything to you.  God wants to know that you desire to be married and have a family.  He wants to hear that you fear being by yourself.  He wants to hear you say that you worry about your family.  God wants to hear you tell Him what you may consider the silly things, that there's this guy you think is cute.  That you like having a flower garden.  I don't know.  God just wants to hear you tell Him about the truth about yourself no matter how cheesy, deep or petty it may seem in your eyes. 

 

Psalm 139 brings it back, that He knows you better than you know yourself and that His thoughts for you are amazing.  He thinks the world of you but you have to be honest and let Him know how you feel.  I don't always feel pretty, or competent, or put together or even worth it.  But in telling Him these things, I am letting Jesus into those closed off areas and He is slowly but surely healing me.  It takes humility to tell Jesus how you really feel about different things and without pretense.  My biggest issue was to tell Him I don't think I'm worth having a partner because of how I lived.  I don't think that I deserve one of His sons.  And though people can quote book, chapter, verse to me, it really hasn't done anything.  I needed to hear from Him myself.  I needed to know that He says in Psalm 139:17-18 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me!  I needed that to really sink into my being but it took me being so honest about who I am and how I feel and then to let it be.  I still have this fear of being hurt once I open myself up to Jesus and I am not going to lie about that because I equate His responses to man but Jesus is not man.  This has been a long, hard journey but I am no where close to the end. 

 

All I know is that if we are really going to live fully surrendered lives then that means we need to be honest with Jesus.  He's standing there watching you spill the water, He's just waiting for you to say so.  I hope that you would be humble enough to just say, "Jesus, I spilled the water and tried cleaning it up myself."