Core

How do you love the unlovable?  That's the question that has been on my mind for quite some time now.  Honestly and truly how do you because the more and more I look around, the harder it is for me to really be selfless and mean it when I say "I love you", though knowing as those words roll of my lips in the moments I do mean it that instantly I am being shunned, negated, and overlooked.  Better yet, not even considered. 

 

In the wake of everything that has been going on I truly, desire to know how do you love the unlovable.  When you, like me, work a job where you see nothing but disrespect and feel the weight of the black race on your shoulders because to those around you, you are the closest and realest representation of the black nation to them.  How do I reach out and still love them?  How do I love those who say in the midst of such tragedy, what does this matter?  Things like this happen all the time.  What's so different about this?  How do I look them square in the face and still love them?  Or when you see the depths that white privilege has prevailed and still prevails in our everyday lives.  Whether it be, the elitism of a couple who deserves to live as they do, or children who are able to walk out to their back yard onto a lake a kayak because they feel like it, or when a promotion is passed onto someone white, whom you trained and technically still train from day to day because they know someone in upper management though you've been there for 5yrs and have seniority over them.  Tell me how do love them?

 

I'm asking all of this because this is a question that I have been wrestling with for a while now and it doesn't help that our nation has told blacks once again, you don't matter and most of all that you really have no value, no matter what age or circumstance may have occurred.  Nope, "You Don't Matter!!!"  This is what we have to face in this country, loud and clear.  See I could go back and start spouting what accomplishments blacks have had in this country.  The many ways blacks have contributed to make this country to making it into what it is today.  The many walls and barriers that blacks have had to overcome to be deemed as equals in written law.  Even the fact that America for its first time in history had a major monumental moment for electing its first ever black president, now two terms in.  Yes, I can sit here and go further and deeper and retrace steps but all of that pales in comparison to the reality of how America views her black children; unwanted, overlooked, and worthless.  Basically unvalued!  This was stated loud and clear to her babies. 

 

Blacks now in the modern age have become worst off then illegitimate children, no blacks are now late term abortions.  Good enough to create celebration for the sake of life, provide the mother with a feeling of longing and joy, bring others to celebrate the mother and her accomplishments, get lavished with promises and gifts just waiting, how the child brings wealth and status, have the mother feel a sense of euphoria at what is to be expected, even enjoy the small kicking she feels inside but when the reality hits of her life changing forever, the morning sickness because truth is creating and sustaining life isn't easy, having the child press on her bladder in her mind at the most inopportune times, showing her the truth of herself and that pregnancy also makes you dependent, that the child is going to cost money to raise, and that you have to rethink your priorities and stances, then it's too much.  The kicking that once was cute hurts, her backbone on which everything stands upon is sore and even laying down is uncomfortable, her pelvis spreading and shifting makes even the simplicity of walking a chore, the stretching and itching that comes along from this child growing now it's a problem and just like that America decides, this child is too much of a problem, a burden, and will change my lifestyle wants a late term abortion.  America calls the ever delinquent father named Justice and says I don't want this child anymore.  Though they may fuss and seemingly fight, in the end she wins and he gives in to her and it works out best for the both of them.  She got her gifts, wealth, and lifestyle, praises and even the I understand from her friends because it would just be too much.  "You're not in the place you need to be to support a black child, think of the cost and struggle you will have to do through" while the absent father, Justice, agreed and said he didn't have the means to support his black child and made the easy decision so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.  He chose this even though he showed his child off, boast about his mini me and what he said he would do and how he would always be there to protect, uphold, and pass down the values of his parents.  Tell me then, how do you love the unlovable?

 

 

 

 

Expectation

I've been told by others what I am good at and should excel in since I was a child.  I've been told you're great with words, you should teach, you should write a book, you should preach, you should do workshops, you should be in politics, you should do spoken word, you should... and the list goes on and on.  Honestly, I am all of that and none of that at all.  For me, I have a problem when it comes to expectations whether others or my own.  I've lived under this umbrella better yet, weight, of what others expect of me or for me to be and become or even what I place on myself.  Understand, I am a natural achiever, it is how I am hard wired, it's what makes me function as I do.  It's literally ingrained within me.  I do not know how to look at situations or challenges and not see how I or others can achieve or strive to in it.  Literally, my mind is hardwired to see strategies in everything and come up with some sort of solution.  It's me, it's who I am, so package that with having others tell you who you are supposed to be is a recipe for disaster and in reality that has been my life underneath it all.  

Let me back track and even explain why I'm talking about this especially with it being the new year.  I am not trying, just a few days into this year, to be 'Debbie Downer', I am just realizing somethings about myself and want to be honest about where I am in order to move forward.  Just recently because of a situation that took place, my friend and I were out listening to a live band and at one point I zoned out.  She saw that I was not present anymore.  My mind was somewhere else, my demeanor had changed, and my body language spoke volumes.  She, being a friend I can count on, proceeded to ask me what happened and I then tried my best to articulate or formulate some understanding of what had just taken place.  I knew what happened but I didn't know how to describe it.  The best way to label it was, "Questions & Quandaries".  My mind, in that split second of choosing to zone out, starting firing off questions of who, what, when, where, and how.  I was thinking about the future.  I was comparing myself and wondering how can I measure up.  I was questioning my ability, my presence, my purpose all in that small space.  Others that don't know me would not have thought anything of it but my friend did and thank God she did.

See, it's in moments like this that my mind projects expectations, whether false or real, most of the time false, and I start my game of "Questions & Quandaries" and then become very silently overwhelmed.  No one ever knows because I never say anything but mentally, I'm at the front door of whatever the situation is with my bags packed, ready to pick them up and walk out the door no matter what is behind me.  And best of all, I don't look back.  I don't look to see if someone is asking me to come back or if the door is shut or even if it were left open.  In my mind, it's over.  It was too much and I could not deliver so I'm out.  This is my way of running.  I'm not the dramatic, make a scene, scream or shout, or even the walk away looking back with longing and tear filled.  I am simple.  I pick up my bags and keep walking, at times this is the worst way to leave because either others don't know you've left since it was quiet or by the time they realize it's too late and you are way far off in the distance.  Worst off are the times when you don't give the other person a chance to speak or even come after you.  Really, I do this because I don't think I'm worth the hysterics or even coming after.  I've come to believe I'm not good enough and I cannot satisfy or reach whatever expectation has been placed in front of me, so I leave.

This has been my hidden secret, my weight, my shame, my failure.  I have lived with this weight of feeling as though I cannot accomplish anything I set my mind to or that even if I do the pleasure is momentary.  I do not know the feeling of setting and achieving a goal and it being satisfying because to me expectation is attached with disappointment.  As soon as I achieve something, I have 10 more people telling me what I should do next or become.  This has been such a detriment that now I place false expectations upon myself to obtain, that in reality should not be there.  As a young girl, I knew that whatever I wanted to do I could but somehow that changed and got twisted as I grew older. Then more and more I saw achievements as a burden.  The very thing that makes me thrive became the very thing that stripped me of my life.  "You should" translated to "I have to" and it shifted to what I should be when my environment or group of people changed.  I became such an amazing chameleon.  I was everything that others wanted me to be, yet nothing of that at all.  Behind closed doors, I was alone and would reel from the thought of trying to become anything, so I became nothing.  I didn't know who I was.  

For all the crying, trying to  figure out, personality tests, career tests, giftings, and prophecies given I was lost.  More lost than ever before.  Don't ask me, through all of this, how God was able to still keep me sane and speak to me.  Can you imagine living like that?  In church, people telling you what they see you becoming or how God's created you to be.  In school, teachers praising your intelligence and saying you should work at such and such because you will make it "Big", or at home having family tell you "You are the one...", whatever that's supposed to mean.  Everywhere I went, that's all I heard and that's what I received.  I started to become that very thing for each group, a poet, a preacher, a designer, a manager.  I was everything others wanted me to be and felt like an utter failure when I couldn't become "that" thing.  Even in relationships, I started taking on roles that were not me.  I had to think 10 steps ahead.  I had to anticipate and project and not be the nag, not be the bossy one, not be too opinionated, or show anger, I had to defy the unspoken code of expectations.  Yes, I had to be the desireable one.  

These lies and falsehoods were my skewed vantage point.  Taking on things that I never should have, reaching for stars that were never meant to be mine, and projecting a picture of poised personality no matter the cost.  This fake reality was always unraveling, yet I would pick up the string and convince myself that I was wrong for it unraveling and would work twice as hard to rewrap it up so it wouldn't come apart again.  Then slowly, the Holy Spirit would slip a knot out here, and by the time I realized, didn't know what to do. He would cut a string here; pull a thread there and have bundles of thread on the floor, while I tried just holding onto whatever the core of this was.  Prior to that fatal evening of awakening, the Holy Spirit had been working on and revealing so many things to me that when my session on "Questions & Quandaries" took place, I didn't even realize what had really happened.  I was baffled, overwhelmed, annoyed, full of shame, and just wanted to pick those bags up and leave.  I was back here again.  However, this time it was different.  My friend in her way stood there in front of the door looking at me and snapping me out of it, took my bags out of my hand, set them down, closed the door and walked me to the couch to sit down.  She didn't let me leave or better yet, she made me stay. 

Though at times, I had that sudden urge to get out by any means necessary, I stayed.  Somethings, I didn't want to hear because it meant, I had to acknowledge somethings.  It meant, I needed to forgive some people, it meant I had to see the truth and let my ball of thread go.  My security was showing itself to not be secure at all but interestingly enough, I found that in the middle of all that thread, was this beautiful object.  It had a familiarity to me but since it was covered for so long, I couldn't recognize it.  Small but brilliant.  In this moment, sitting with my friend, I could see the Holy Spirit at work telling me, this is you.  Trust me and let me show you who you really are.  What was interesting in all of this was learning that there were no expectations.  You have to understand how this blew my mind, better it shattered my world.  My friend said to me, "You know there are no expectations for you."  Not in a rude manner but in an honest, matter of fact kind of way.  She was letting me know that all I needed was to be myself and not worry about what others think or putting false thoughts of how I think I'm supposed to be.  That night gave me freedom.  It brought a perspective that I had NEVER seen.  So this is why I said I have a problem with expectations.  I don't know how to live up to them but truly I don't want to anymore.  I want what God has promised me as the Holy Spirit said, "Let me show you who you really are... small but brilliant!" 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you what path to take.

Don't be impressed with your own wisdom.

Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

Then you will have healing for your body

and strength for your bones."

Provs. 3:5-8





Rare

 

So in thinking about a lot of things I'm coming to the conclusion that being honest, true unadulterated honesty is very rare.  Think about it, how many people do you know tell the truth all the time?  I don't mean brutal truth that its sole purpose is to hurt but just an adultered, pure honesty.  I don't know too many people like that including myself.  The reason that I started to think about this is because we look for people to be transparent, we say that we want to know the heart of a person, we want to know there deep truths, who they really are and yet we do not live like that ourselves.  Instead we have so many defense mechanisms and boundaries up that we don't know how to truly be honest.

 

We say we want a partner who is honest but do you really?  We say we are all about being real but are we?  We say that we always come with the realness and portray the truth of who we are but do we?  I know for me that this is a hard truth to accept.  I am not exempt from any of this at all.  I am in the same boat with every single person walking the face of this earth.  We as humans do not want honesty.  We want to be lied to and in turn lie to others and that is the real honest truth!  We do not know how to be honest nor do we want honesty because if were to really take a deep look at ourselves and be very honest with how we are we would see the truth for what it is, we enjoy lies. 

 

In the past few months and recently weeks, I've had to do some real digging and had to be very honest with myself about myself and why I am the way I am and trust you me, it was not easy.  If anything, it hurt... a lot!!!  The truth hurts because I see how for so long I've lied to myself about myself.  So really now taking time to have to sit at the feet of Jesus, repent and have Him strip me in order to reveal the real me has been quite painful.  This process is not something that many people even Christians are willing to go through.  I know I fuss and fight back and walk away and ignore and just want to give up at times but it's in those moments that Jesus loves me even that much more. 

 

The reason behind all this stripping and being honest really came down to a simple truth, Jesus wants me to be honest with Him... in everything.  This sounds cliche and we tell ourselves but of course He does and it makes sense but how many of us really go there and are truly honest with Christ?  Not in a disrespectful manner but in a heart to heart.  I know I wasn't.  I know I could be honest with Jesus about certain aspects in my life concerning calling, purpose, ministry you know the things we deem to be 'Christian' in our lives.  Yea, I could be honest about this.  But to be honest about my personal desires, my hurts in those deep places, my short comings and my true worries, nope, I wasn't going to go there and say anything about it.  I was going to deal with those things solo or just put them on the back burner because I felt that they were petty, not important and just plain didn't matter.

 

For whatever reason, these past few months have been the hardest because Jesus has been showing me and telling me that He wants to know about those issues I put on the back burner.  I couldn't wrap my mind around it.  I couldn't understand why He wanted to know about those things and then I was reminded about Ps. 139.  We usually like wearing out this Psalm because of the verse that says I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Yep, we love quoting that part of the scripture because it makes us feel so good but Jesus showed me from verse one: O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.  Right there!!!  We gloss over this part and it's the very first verse.  I know I have glossed over that verse many times but no longer.  To know that Jesus has examined my heart and knows everything about me, that made me start to understand that He already knows about those backburner issues.  He's always known and it's important to Him. 

 

I don't know about you but this made me think about His omniscience.  He knows everything but not in some overview but in a detailed way.  If Jesus knows the number of hairs on my head that tells me it's an intimate knowing so then where would I get this idea that He doesn't care about my 'petty' issues?  For me it's come from a lot of influences, family, friends, society, racism, church but the real bottom line issue is sin.  It's a lack of humility and pride in me.  I didn't want to tell Jesus and be unadulteratedly honest with Him about those issues.  Since I've grown up in church and a Christian household, I learned and cultivated a style to speak to God but not about petty issues.  It was more important to pray and lift up those who are sick, to preach the gospel, to be in ministry and minister to the poor.  My issues they have no involvement or place in ministry.  I had to get over myself and look to Christ.  I surrendered myself, repented and moved on. 

 

Not so.  Not knowing that those things were still in the back of my mind and to a point where I couldn't get rid of the thoughts.  Where the thoughts would over take me.  Where when I wasn't doing ministry, my mind would go there.  It started to just bring itself up and so I did the church thing.  I prayed.  I cried out and surrendered again.  I told Jesus to take this cup from me and I kept it moving.  Well now, I've reached a point where I can no longet do that.  It's too much and Jesus is pressing me to tell Him.  How can I tell Him that I don't want to be single anymore?  How can I tell Him that what my father said 2 weeks ago is affecting me?  How can I tell Him that I'm scared about being myself?  How can I tell Jesus that i don't feel wanted?  How can I tell Jesus that I still don't feel like I fit in?  How??????  That was my question.  How can I tell Him any of this?  This is petty to people.  This is frivolous.  The kingdom is at hand and that is where my mind is supposed to be.  In ministry.  In souls, in preaching the gospel.  Not in feeling that I still feel like a little girl, not that I'm missing my dad, not that I so desire to have a family.  Nope, singleness is what He has given me and I am supposed to be focused on ministry.

 

My life is supposed to be an open book to Him but what happens when it's not?  That's why I say we don't really like honesty.  Because what we see as surrender and honesty is not what Jesus sees.  He already knows everything about you, so why then do we hide?  Why are we so afraid to just speak to Him about those issues?  My friend put it in a real simple but tangible way.  She said it's like when her son spills a cup of water on the floor and then scrambles to clean it up.  Not knowing that she's there looking and watching and saw what happened.  Then he comes to her and talks to her about all these good things that happened that day and he's just smiling like nothing happened.  She's just waiting for him to say, "Mom, I spilled a cup of water on the floor."  As simple as that is, that how Jesus is with us.  He already knows and He sees, He's just waiting for us to confess those things.  He wants the confession so He can tell you, "I know, I just wanted you to say something."  In that simple phrase Jesus is telling you, He already knew but He just needs you to speak so that now it can be dealt with.  Jesus isn't vengeful and looking to tell you 'I told you so!' or rub it in but to let you know He cares.

 

He cares about the very things you care about.  If it is a concern for you, it's a concern for Him.  God is our father and He wants to be that true father but He can't if you don't allow Him to and this is where I am.  I want God to be my father, the father who cares about my the pain and insecurity I've carried around since I was a child.  He wants to be that father that can hold and embrace you and tell you how beautiful you are even when no one else said anything to you.  God wants to know that you desire to be married and have a family.  He wants to hear that you fear being by yourself.  He wants to hear you say that you worry about your family.  God wants to hear you tell Him what you may consider the silly things, that there's this guy you think is cute.  That you like having a flower garden.  I don't know.  God just wants to hear you tell Him about the truth about yourself no matter how cheesy, deep or petty it may seem in your eyes. 

 

Psalm 139 brings it back, that He knows you better than you know yourself and that His thoughts for you are amazing.  He thinks the world of you but you have to be honest and let Him know how you feel.  I don't always feel pretty, or competent, or put together or even worth it.  But in telling Him these things, I am letting Jesus into those closed off areas and He is slowly but surely healing me.  It takes humility to tell Jesus how you really feel about different things and without pretense.  My biggest issue was to tell Him I don't think I'm worth having a partner because of how I lived.  I don't think that I deserve one of His sons.  And though people can quote book, chapter, verse to me, it really hasn't done anything.  I needed to hear from Him myself.  I needed to know that He says in Psalm 139:17-18 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me!  I needed that to really sink into my being but it took me being so honest about who I am and how I feel and then to let it be.  I still have this fear of being hurt once I open myself up to Jesus and I am not going to lie about that because I equate His responses to man but Jesus is not man.  This has been a long, hard journey but I am no where close to the end. 

 

All I know is that if we are really going to live fully surrendered lives then that means we need to be honest with Jesus.  He's standing there watching you spill the water, He's just waiting for you to say so.  I hope that you would be humble enough to just say, "Jesus, I spilled the water and tried cleaning it up myself."