Reminisce

So I had the most interesting happen to me when I was talking to my roommate about my time in middle and high school, I broke down and started to cry.  Wow, you have to understand, I never broke down before the way I did this night and ever shed tears about my past.  It was interesting, yet refreshing and heart breaking all in one. 

 

When I started at my school in the 4th grade and stayed there til I graduated, it was hell on earth for me.  It really wasn't the pleasant view we like to think of when we remember school or the pretty pictures and great times we had when looking back in our year books.  No, for me my experience was very rough and hard.  The sad thing is that it started off hard for me at a young age as well.  It started off when I was in 4th grade. 

 

Before this time, I was in a private school in Maryland up until 3rd grade and really I had no problems there.  Didn't feel left out.  Had my friends, knew I was different but it was all good.  It was quite accepting.  Then I moved to NJ and that changed.  I went to a very prestigious school.  One that was named after the state college in Jersey and there is where I started to feel what I like to call the gap or invisible distance.  I remember how lavish students were.  I remember imparticularly this one girl who reminded me of Cher from Clueless who would coordinate her outfits with her best friend, color code them and make sure that there were no repeats.  Then I remembered the opportunities and different clubs that there were in order to foster growth, intellect and education.  It was a bit of a mixed place. 

 

Then there was a child celebrity, who if I mentioned, everyone would know I went to school with as well as her younger brother.  It was a truly different world for me.  It was honestly different.  I didn't particularly fit in but I wasn't outright ostracized either.  There it was a balancing act if anything but it was when I moved to my new Christian private school that next year that all hell broke loose for me and things would never be the same.  Within a few days of me starting there, I was nervous, wanted to just figure out my surroundings and take my time to adapt but unfortunately for me I was thrown into the mix without consent and with no choice.

 

My teacher decided to be funny and make a slick comment about my name and from there the verbal abuse, teasing and bullying began.  Her actions gave permission for all my other class mates to make fun of me.  To me, this was a shock and I was totally taken back because up until this time, I never had anyone make fun of my name and I was fine with my name. After this incident and many teasings to come, I hated my name.  I began to not like certain things about myself.  I didn't like telling people I was from Cameroon.  I didn't want to publicly eat my Cameroonian food.  I didn't want to be seen as different.  I didn't want to talk differently.  I wanted to fit in.  I wanted to belong.  Unfortunately for me still until I graduated, I never quite did fit in.  I got along, got by and made it on the edge of just being accepted. 

 

School was very rough.  Having people tease me all the time for my name.  Having a girl question me because of how proper I spoke and made me feel as though something was wrong with me because I didn't speak slang.  I wasn't miss popular, I had to constantly stand up for myself.  I had no one to defend me and I had no one to relate to.  I was forced to become a part of African American culture though I was Cameroonian.  I was forced into living in surburbia.  I barely had any black people yet alone Africans who I was able to connect or relate to in my neighborhood.  Then I was forced into a church were diversity was one interracial couple and my family.  All the diversity I was used to was snatched away from me.  I was different and this time, I felt I was different.

 

School became a place of having to wear a mask.  Having to be strong, having to look like I had it all together.  It became competition.  I had to do well especially as a black girl, better yet an African black girl.  I had to prove I wasn't stupid and that I was able to cut it because all the other pretty, popular black girls were.  I never until my senior year wore my hair out, I always rocked braids but that wasn't the desirable thing.  I didn't have long legs or indian in me to have long flowy hair.  I wasn't a girly girl, I didn't care for the color pink or carry a purse with me.  I liked to be outside and run around.  I liked to keep up with the guys and eat well.  I had an appetite.  What can I say.  I didn't do the prim thing but I could speak well.  I didn't care about barbie's but I enjoyed action figures & sports.  I was cultured.  I knew about America and Africa and Europe.  I loved science and gym, yet this was all thrown back in my face many times over.

 

See I learned quickly, that in order to be accepted you could be smart but you had to be sexy, you could speak well but had to be a class clown as well, you could not like sports but you had to be artistic, you could love sports but you had to be girly.  It was a balancing act and if you didn't fit it, then you were out of luck and that's where I found myself even among the blacks.  I was different, really different and that didn't work so well.  Not in my white Christian school, not in white suburbia, not even in church.  Nope, that didn't work.  

 

For all the oxymorons that I seemed to have exhibited, life became hard for me.  I began to understand, that I wasn't pretty enough.  I had the attributes, I had the body parts but my strong personality and refusal to back down didn't bode to well.  I just didn't understand why people kept picking on me.  I, for the life of me couldn't understand.  I didn't understand why my proper speech was a problem for both blacks and whites as well.  I just didn't get it.  I couldn't understand why my parents choice of lifestyle didn't farewell with others.  We didn't live in some mansion yet it was a problem to know that I had a maid.  We didn't drive the fanciest cars but it was an issue that I traveled to Africa every summer.  The contradictions made life nearly impossible to live with.  

 

What I remember so clearly was feeling alone.  Was feeling like I had no one to talk to.  Was feeling like I had no one to relate to.  Was feeling like I had no one to defend me.  In all my time there at the school, no one did defend.  Well at least not a peer.  The only person I remember ever standing up for me was my 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Episcopo.  She was spanish and she was amazing.  She saw me for me and helped spur me on.  She came to my side when she saw the bullying and teasing I was constantly going through and did something about it.  She took me in for myself and never questioned it but gently molded it to see greatness come out.  She was Amazing and still to this day it brings me great joy thingking about her.  She showed me Jesus.  She showed me she cared and for that I am forever grateful. 

 

See when I was recounting this story to my roommate, I started to cry because this is what I remembered.  I remembered out of my entire schooling career one teacher who made a difference.  It hurt and it still hurts to think that no one had my back or stood up for me.  It hurt to know how alone I was.  It still does, I'm not going to lie.  It hurts to see a little girl not understand why her being different was such a problem and to see her have to constantly defend herself.  Why wasn't anyone there for her?  I honestly don't know.  But it did help her seek Jesus.  It helped her really foster a relationship with Jesus.  Maybe that's why no one was there.

 

I still don't have answers.  High school was not the glory days that people make it out to be.  It really wasn't for me.  If anything those 'friends' I had in high school I don't even talk to.  Once graduation came, institutional ties were broken and severed and life moved on.  Middle and high school to me where a facade, an empty shell of broken experiences.  They did nothing but perpetuate the ignorance and hurt that being different seems to attach itself to in this country.  And worst of all being in a Christian school, as great as the education was the real learning experience was heart breaking.  I can't say that I met people whom I have such a deep connection with.  Nope. I would be lying.  I can't say that there are life time friendships that were fostered.  Nope, I'd be lying again.  What I can say is that I learned.  I learned to let go and trust in God.  I learned that truly God wasn't joking when He said that 'my people perish for lack of knowledge.'  The very place that was supposed to foster hope, bring unity and acceptance did just the opposite.

 

I've never been the person when looking back wished I was back in middle school or high school.  I look back at my life and thank God that I made it through such a rough time in my life.  A time that literally almost took my life.  I look back at the experiences and say 'Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!  His faithful love endures forever." Ps. 118:1

 

There is healing that needs to take place and I know that but at least for the first time in my life I can be quite honest about this point in time in my life.  It definitely wasn't fun.  It wasn't pleasant.  I don't have to greatest memories of school but in it all God is good because I made it through and I have a relationship with Jesus that I wouldn't trade for the world.

 

 



TKO

I'm a part of a leadership training course at my church/community and man, did I ever get a major gut check last night.  I mean, it was straight to the heart type of class last night.  It felt as though at one point I was in the room by myself and our teacher was speaking directly to me. Smh...... I felt that knot start to well up in my throat, my heart was like Nascar and my gut was doing Jet Lee stunts all at once.  Tears were on the verge of flowing down the well trodden path.  So you're wondering what was it that brought me to this place?  Well, let's just say that my/our concept of leadership in humanity is all jacked up!  We have this idea to look for people with natural leadership qualities and make them head's of businesses, corporations, organizations, institutions, groups, schools and even churches.  We think that they are the ones who have the ability to lead us best to whatever our endeavor is.  I mean, I thought so to.  I always thought about whatever job I got to move up the ladder.  I knew I could lead, that I was more than capable of bringing in results, making things happen and honestly, being in charge.  This was always a motive of mine no matter where I worked.  Gain management experience and continue to move up from there.

Well last night I got a very rude awakening.  One that almost knocked me out!  We read Phil. 2:3-11 which talks about the attitude of Christ.  Honestly, I've read this passage before.  I understood that we should think about others more than ourselves - the 'Humility' factor and that we should act like Jesus.  But what I wasn't ready for was the depth of character and attitude that Paul was asking us to be.  The real, true epitome of Christ!  To know that Jesus is all man and all God was something I understood but to really understand why He did what He did was and is revolutionary.  To read that Christ became a servant and not just any servant but in translation a servant really meaning a slave.(Look it up in the Greek if you don't believe me)  He became a slave, not to man but to His father and all the implications that it implies blew my mind.  I mean why, how, really??????  That's too deep for me.  I felt like I was drowning for a moment trying to get my footing, forgetting that I was way too off shore to touch the ground.  So I remembered, lay back and float.  I had to and I still am.  

This concept, this notion; the reality of Jesus becoming a slave to His father in order to do His bidding is really what this was about.  Yet Jesus was the epitome of what true leadership is!  Let that sink in for a minute.... I know I had to.  This passage was telling me what a true servant looks like... a slave to the Father.  Already, for those who are black, like myself, here in America or just about anywhere in the western hemisphere, this doesn't sit well.  We understood what slavery did and what it meant.  No rights, no choice & above all no FREEDOM!  This was and still is a hard pill to swallow.  To know that Jesus is asking us to become slaves is hard.  We naturally want to fight, rebel, run away and say 'Heck naw!' to that sort of idea and look at the person like the audacity and gall they have to even ask you such a thing.  It hurts, it's deep and partially humiliating.  But to Jesus it is the very thing that He did being all God and all man to serve His Father.

So then what does this have to do with what I first stated about the types of leaders we initially look for, well it has everything to do with it.  We look for the wrong things and for the wrong motives.  I did.  I wanted to be a leader because it was what I thought I should do.  It came naturally.  What I didn't understand was that a true leader needs to become a slave to the Father and serve whomever they are leading and think of them 1st and foremost.  To the point where you rarely think of yourself.  It's called serving.  Serving without motive other than to please your Father, God.  That's what I didn't understand.  Jesus looks for servants first whom can be shaped into leaders.  And for those of use with leadership qualities, it's a bit harder because we have to learn to serve 1st before leading.  It seems to go against our very nature but in reality this is what Jesus wants.  See I had it all backwards, which most of us do.  Really, the world does.  We want leaders who will serve but not understanding that having that mindset is what leads to acting like a demagogue.  It is always about yourself and what you can get from it.  It is about personal gain in some form or fashion.  It's not pure service.  There's always some reward of personal agenda behind this thinking.  It's not Jesus oriented... it lacks humility.  It's vanity in its most secretive and poisonous form.  

This was me!!!  This was my thinking... I didn't want to move up the corporate structure to serve others, I did it because I wanted it for myself.  I wanted to be successful and knew I could to.  I wanted for someone to pat me on my back.  I didn't purely do this to serve others.  I was making it a personal vanity.  I definitely wasn't exhibiting humility.  Phil. 2 called me out, plain and simple and it hurt!  With every truth that was being presented about true leadership, I hurt more. My heart sank, the pangs became that much more real, my spirit writhed within me, my soul couldn't justify itself anymore and began to withdraw itself.  It was too much, it was real, it was truth... unadulterated absolute truth.  I was on the verge of becoming a demagogue.  Oh, the mentality of it all.  It couldn't be more real than that.  I wanted to break down and cry... 'God forgive me... I am so selfish and wretched.  I don't deserve to be a leader.'  This is a hard truth to swallow.  Then for Jesus to say in Luke 22, when the disciples started fussing about who the greatest was, that this is how the gentiles act but not so for you.  He shut down their arguments.  He stopped the lies and the continuation of a fallacy that had lived for so long.  This was something they were used to, becoming a leader and bossing people around in its simplicity.  Having a personal agenda covering it up in the name of God and thinking it was ok.  Nope! Not to Jesus.  This was the very thinking that He did not want us to follow.  Jesus plainly stated that in order to be great you MUST serve.  There was no room for error here.  Just as He came and served yet is still the greatest leader there ever was, so we must do the same.  Remember serving meant taking the place of a slave but in order to please God.

This is why last night my concept of leadership totally got knocked out like a Tyson fight.  I started to really understand that to lead, I must serve but my Father.  It comes through taking care of those He tells me to.  The hungry, the orphan, the widows, even more plainly those whom you probably don't think twice about.  Your friends, your family, that annoying co-worker.  Yea, true humility.  Doing things without a personal agenda.  I know for all of us natural leaders this is not an easy task but the great thing is that it's not impossible either.  We have the choice to choose humility and become a servant to others.  God doesn't shove this down our throat.  We can learn how to serve with pure motives, please God.  Nothing more, nothing less.  So today and really for the rest of my life I pray, 'God make me a servant', because that knock out makes it worth it all.  

Worthwhile

There's this awesome quote I heard over a week ago, 'In any relationship (worth having) there must be an element of risk.'  I know to you it may not seem so deep of amazing as it is to me but I'll let you know why, see I've fallen into the category of taking 'Calculated Risks'.  I like to weigh my options, see what makes sense, put the pros against the cons and then go from there.  It seems like this should be a great thing.  It's quite intelligible.  It makes sense, it's what we as people, civilized and educated are to do... Let me be really honest right now, this is the reason many of us live quite comfortable lives, take our allotted 2 weeks of vacation each year may be an extra if we attach the unused sick days.  Have an idealized vision of how we want life to be and even as Christ followers.  Please understand, I have no issues with anyone looking to work in a corporate structure or wanting the nice house with the white picket fence.  I have no issues with anyone who loves business in that sense or who dreams of moving up the ladder or being part of a major organization in that matter.  What I am finding and understanding in myself in this is when was the last time I took a risk in any relationship I felt was worth having?  The sad truth is not as frequent as I would like it.

I woke up this morning singing Micah Stampley's Unfailing Love.  I was in the shower and the song just kept repeating itself again and again in my mind.  When I was done and got dressed I had to find the song, so I searched for it on my phone and drove to work listening to it.  Honestly, I'm still listening to it even as I'm writing this.  The thing that gets me and why any of the quote and song make sense is because thinking about taking risks and Jesus' unfailing love for us, I thought, 'Wow, He took an awesome risk dying for us knowing that some people still would reject Him and make it seem as if His death wasn't good enough.' ...... I had to pause and really think about this.  I mean Jesus took the ultimate risk, He died, He gave His life for people that would not accept it just so that really, in essence He could have a relationship with us.  That blew my mind!!!  Still thinking about it now, it blows my mind.  

So taking a step back, re-stating what I said earlier with the quote, "In any relationship worth having there must be an element of risk."  In seeing myself really seeing myself, I understand that I haven't been taking risks.  So I haven't really been investing in those type of relationships worth having.  I haven't gone deeper and really risked anything of myself.  That's the harsh reality and as many Christians know, we here in the western hemisphere live in a way where we don't really take risks at all in our relationships.  We need to know what the outcome is going to be.  We need to know the pros and cons, we need to weigh our options but to the contrary 'Unfailing Love' throws all that out the window and simply says, 'I love you! I want to really get to know you even if it risks my heart or life.'  This is what Jesus did!  So why can't we do the same thing.  Unfailing Love doesn't always make natural sense or even seem sensible in any sort of manner but the amazing thing is this, when you do take that risk and you look back on a thriving relationship however it may be, best friends, family, spouses etc. you have a bond and a love that is untouchable and you are in a place where you will do anything for that person(s).  It becomes a true reflection of Jesus!

Understand, when I say risks, I don't mean anything that is life threatening or that will remove you from God's will and your relationship with Him.  I mean stop always making educational guesses.  Stop taking 'Calculated Risks'.  Stop weighing everything and figuring out your options or the outcome.  Be like Christ.  Let your heart lead.  I know that sounds cliche but really open up that part of you that you are afraid of having others see.  Stop holding back your personality.  Let the Holy Spirit open up those places that we try and hide so dearly to.  Risk your sensibility, your true passion, even your thought process.  Just like it took a risk for you to know Jesus, it's going to take a risk for you to really get to know other people, no matter who they are.  Let's get this one thing straight, everyone is liable to hurt you and the level that they are able to hurt you is also exponential.  

However, that all is a part of risk.  If you are anything like me, this is really scary.  It brings in the element of the unknown.  I think about my heart, I think about not wanting to be hurt. I think...... I just start thinking too much.  But I so desire to like Jesus in how he was able to talk to perfect strangers.  How He was able to just be so open and relatable.  So we have to talk to the homeless man who is sitting outside of the restaurant  who is hungry and just wants a hot meal.  Build a relationship with him.  Talk to your wife/husband who gets on your last 'holy nerve' who can't seem to do anything right in your eyes and dig deeper with her/him.  Build a true relationship with her/him.  Talk to your roommate whose personality is the total opposite of your's and really get to know her.  Build a relationship with her.  Talk to your father whom you have been distant from and risk your heart.  Build a relationship with him.  This is exactly what Jesus did for us.  He's not asking you to die for that person, He just wants you to do as He did, risk, talk and love those whom you probably never would have given a second thought.  We all have someone(s) whom we dismiss and feel like that's too much of a risk or so far out of our comfort zone to talk to.

I may be dead wrong but all I know is this we, I don't like risking because of realness of a negative outcome, however the truth is: 

Element of Risk + Worth While Relationship = True Intimacy 

and bottom line that's what we ALL want.  We all want intimacy but if we do not take the chance to have true worthwhile relationships, we'll be lacking in the very thing God created us for and Jesus died for. So once again, 

"In any relationship worth having there must be an element of risk"

I don't know about you but I want to go deeper in my relationships and have what Jesus had.  Happy Risk Taking!!!