Reminisce

So I had the most interesting happen to me when I was talking to my roommate about my time in middle and high school, I broke down and started to cry.  Wow, you have to understand, I never broke down before the way I did this night and ever shed tears about my past.  It was interesting, yet refreshing and heart breaking all in one. 

 

When I started at my school in the 4th grade and stayed there til I graduated, it was hell on earth for me.  It really wasn't the pleasant view we like to think of when we remember school or the pretty pictures and great times we had when looking back in our year books.  No, for me my experience was very rough and hard.  The sad thing is that it started off hard for me at a young age as well.  It started off when I was in 4th grade. 

 

Before this time, I was in a private school in Maryland up until 3rd grade and really I had no problems there.  Didn't feel left out.  Had my friends, knew I was different but it was all good.  It was quite accepting.  Then I moved to NJ and that changed.  I went to a very prestigious school.  One that was named after the state college in Jersey and there is where I started to feel what I like to call the gap or invisible distance.  I remember how lavish students were.  I remember imparticularly this one girl who reminded me of Cher from Clueless who would coordinate her outfits with her best friend, color code them and make sure that there were no repeats.  Then I remembered the opportunities and different clubs that there were in order to foster growth, intellect and education.  It was a bit of a mixed place. 

 

Then there was a child celebrity, who if I mentioned, everyone would know I went to school with as well as her younger brother.  It was a truly different world for me.  It was honestly different.  I didn't particularly fit in but I wasn't outright ostracized either.  There it was a balancing act if anything but it was when I moved to my new Christian private school that next year that all hell broke loose for me and things would never be the same.  Within a few days of me starting there, I was nervous, wanted to just figure out my surroundings and take my time to adapt but unfortunately for me I was thrown into the mix without consent and with no choice.

 

My teacher decided to be funny and make a slick comment about my name and from there the verbal abuse, teasing and bullying began.  Her actions gave permission for all my other class mates to make fun of me.  To me, this was a shock and I was totally taken back because up until this time, I never had anyone make fun of my name and I was fine with my name. After this incident and many teasings to come, I hated my name.  I began to not like certain things about myself.  I didn't like telling people I was from Cameroon.  I didn't want to publicly eat my Cameroonian food.  I didn't want to be seen as different.  I didn't want to talk differently.  I wanted to fit in.  I wanted to belong.  Unfortunately for me still until I graduated, I never quite did fit in.  I got along, got by and made it on the edge of just being accepted. 

 

School was very rough.  Having people tease me all the time for my name.  Having a girl question me because of how proper I spoke and made me feel as though something was wrong with me because I didn't speak slang.  I wasn't miss popular, I had to constantly stand up for myself.  I had no one to defend me and I had no one to relate to.  I was forced to become a part of African American culture though I was Cameroonian.  I was forced into living in surburbia.  I barely had any black people yet alone Africans who I was able to connect or relate to in my neighborhood.  Then I was forced into a church were diversity was one interracial couple and my family.  All the diversity I was used to was snatched away from me.  I was different and this time, I felt I was different.

 

School became a place of having to wear a mask.  Having to be strong, having to look like I had it all together.  It became competition.  I had to do well especially as a black girl, better yet an African black girl.  I had to prove I wasn't stupid and that I was able to cut it because all the other pretty, popular black girls were.  I never until my senior year wore my hair out, I always rocked braids but that wasn't the desirable thing.  I didn't have long legs or indian in me to have long flowy hair.  I wasn't a girly girl, I didn't care for the color pink or carry a purse with me.  I liked to be outside and run around.  I liked to keep up with the guys and eat well.  I had an appetite.  What can I say.  I didn't do the prim thing but I could speak well.  I didn't care about barbie's but I enjoyed action figures & sports.  I was cultured.  I knew about America and Africa and Europe.  I loved science and gym, yet this was all thrown back in my face many times over.

 

See I learned quickly, that in order to be accepted you could be smart but you had to be sexy, you could speak well but had to be a class clown as well, you could not like sports but you had to be artistic, you could love sports but you had to be girly.  It was a balancing act and if you didn't fit it, then you were out of luck and that's where I found myself even among the blacks.  I was different, really different and that didn't work so well.  Not in my white Christian school, not in white suburbia, not even in church.  Nope, that didn't work.  

 

For all the oxymorons that I seemed to have exhibited, life became hard for me.  I began to understand, that I wasn't pretty enough.  I had the attributes, I had the body parts but my strong personality and refusal to back down didn't bode to well.  I just didn't understand why people kept picking on me.  I, for the life of me couldn't understand.  I didn't understand why my proper speech was a problem for both blacks and whites as well.  I just didn't get it.  I couldn't understand why my parents choice of lifestyle didn't farewell with others.  We didn't live in some mansion yet it was a problem to know that I had a maid.  We didn't drive the fanciest cars but it was an issue that I traveled to Africa every summer.  The contradictions made life nearly impossible to live with.  

 

What I remember so clearly was feeling alone.  Was feeling like I had no one to talk to.  Was feeling like I had no one to relate to.  Was feeling like I had no one to defend me.  In all my time there at the school, no one did defend.  Well at least not a peer.  The only person I remember ever standing up for me was my 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Episcopo.  She was spanish and she was amazing.  She saw me for me and helped spur me on.  She came to my side when she saw the bullying and teasing I was constantly going through and did something about it.  She took me in for myself and never questioned it but gently molded it to see greatness come out.  She was Amazing and still to this day it brings me great joy thingking about her.  She showed me Jesus.  She showed me she cared and for that I am forever grateful. 

 

See when I was recounting this story to my roommate, I started to cry because this is what I remembered.  I remembered out of my entire schooling career one teacher who made a difference.  It hurt and it still hurts to think that no one had my back or stood up for me.  It hurt to know how alone I was.  It still does, I'm not going to lie.  It hurts to see a little girl not understand why her being different was such a problem and to see her have to constantly defend herself.  Why wasn't anyone there for her?  I honestly don't know.  But it did help her seek Jesus.  It helped her really foster a relationship with Jesus.  Maybe that's why no one was there.

 

I still don't have answers.  High school was not the glory days that people make it out to be.  It really wasn't for me.  If anything those 'friends' I had in high school I don't even talk to.  Once graduation came, institutional ties were broken and severed and life moved on.  Middle and high school to me where a facade, an empty shell of broken experiences.  They did nothing but perpetuate the ignorance and hurt that being different seems to attach itself to in this country.  And worst of all being in a Christian school, as great as the education was the real learning experience was heart breaking.  I can't say that I met people whom I have such a deep connection with.  Nope. I would be lying.  I can't say that there are life time friendships that were fostered.  Nope, I'd be lying again.  What I can say is that I learned.  I learned to let go and trust in God.  I learned that truly God wasn't joking when He said that 'my people perish for lack of knowledge.'  The very place that was supposed to foster hope, bring unity and acceptance did just the opposite.

 

I've never been the person when looking back wished I was back in middle school or high school.  I look back at my life and thank God that I made it through such a rough time in my life.  A time that literally almost took my life.  I look back at the experiences and say 'Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!  His faithful love endures forever." Ps. 118:1

 

There is healing that needs to take place and I know that but at least for the first time in my life I can be quite honest about this point in time in my life.  It definitely wasn't fun.  It wasn't pleasant.  I don't have to greatest memories of school but in it all God is good because I made it through and I have a relationship with Jesus that I wouldn't trade for the world.

 

 



Rare

 

So in thinking about a lot of things I'm coming to the conclusion that being honest, true unadulterated honesty is very rare.  Think about it, how many people do you know tell the truth all the time?  I don't mean brutal truth that its sole purpose is to hurt but just an adultered, pure honesty.  I don't know too many people like that including myself.  The reason that I started to think about this is because we look for people to be transparent, we say that we want to know the heart of a person, we want to know there deep truths, who they really are and yet we do not live like that ourselves.  Instead we have so many defense mechanisms and boundaries up that we don't know how to truly be honest.

 

We say we want a partner who is honest but do you really?  We say we are all about being real but are we?  We say that we always come with the realness and portray the truth of who we are but do we?  I know for me that this is a hard truth to accept.  I am not exempt from any of this at all.  I am in the same boat with every single person walking the face of this earth.  We as humans do not want honesty.  We want to be lied to and in turn lie to others and that is the real honest truth!  We do not know how to be honest nor do we want honesty because if were to really take a deep look at ourselves and be very honest with how we are we would see the truth for what it is, we enjoy lies. 

 

In the past few months and recently weeks, I've had to do some real digging and had to be very honest with myself about myself and why I am the way I am and trust you me, it was not easy.  If anything, it hurt... a lot!!!  The truth hurts because I see how for so long I've lied to myself about myself.  So really now taking time to have to sit at the feet of Jesus, repent and have Him strip me in order to reveal the real me has been quite painful.  This process is not something that many people even Christians are willing to go through.  I know I fuss and fight back and walk away and ignore and just want to give up at times but it's in those moments that Jesus loves me even that much more. 

 

The reason behind all this stripping and being honest really came down to a simple truth, Jesus wants me to be honest with Him... in everything.  This sounds cliche and we tell ourselves but of course He does and it makes sense but how many of us really go there and are truly honest with Christ?  Not in a disrespectful manner but in a heart to heart.  I know I wasn't.  I know I could be honest with Jesus about certain aspects in my life concerning calling, purpose, ministry you know the things we deem to be 'Christian' in our lives.  Yea, I could be honest about this.  But to be honest about my personal desires, my hurts in those deep places, my short comings and my true worries, nope, I wasn't going to go there and say anything about it.  I was going to deal with those things solo or just put them on the back burner because I felt that they were petty, not important and just plain didn't matter.

 

For whatever reason, these past few months have been the hardest because Jesus has been showing me and telling me that He wants to know about those issues I put on the back burner.  I couldn't wrap my mind around it.  I couldn't understand why He wanted to know about those things and then I was reminded about Ps. 139.  We usually like wearing out this Psalm because of the verse that says I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Yep, we love quoting that part of the scripture because it makes us feel so good but Jesus showed me from verse one: O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.  Right there!!!  We gloss over this part and it's the very first verse.  I know I have glossed over that verse many times but no longer.  To know that Jesus has examined my heart and knows everything about me, that made me start to understand that He already knows about those backburner issues.  He's always known and it's important to Him. 

 

I don't know about you but this made me think about His omniscience.  He knows everything but not in some overview but in a detailed way.  If Jesus knows the number of hairs on my head that tells me it's an intimate knowing so then where would I get this idea that He doesn't care about my 'petty' issues?  For me it's come from a lot of influences, family, friends, society, racism, church but the real bottom line issue is sin.  It's a lack of humility and pride in me.  I didn't want to tell Jesus and be unadulteratedly honest with Him about those issues.  Since I've grown up in church and a Christian household, I learned and cultivated a style to speak to God but not about petty issues.  It was more important to pray and lift up those who are sick, to preach the gospel, to be in ministry and minister to the poor.  My issues they have no involvement or place in ministry.  I had to get over myself and look to Christ.  I surrendered myself, repented and moved on. 

 

Not so.  Not knowing that those things were still in the back of my mind and to a point where I couldn't get rid of the thoughts.  Where the thoughts would over take me.  Where when I wasn't doing ministry, my mind would go there.  It started to just bring itself up and so I did the church thing.  I prayed.  I cried out and surrendered again.  I told Jesus to take this cup from me and I kept it moving.  Well now, I've reached a point where I can no longet do that.  It's too much and Jesus is pressing me to tell Him.  How can I tell Him that I don't want to be single anymore?  How can I tell Him that what my father said 2 weeks ago is affecting me?  How can I tell Him that I'm scared about being myself?  How can I tell Jesus that i don't feel wanted?  How can I tell Jesus that I still don't feel like I fit in?  How??????  That was my question.  How can I tell Him any of this?  This is petty to people.  This is frivolous.  The kingdom is at hand and that is where my mind is supposed to be.  In ministry.  In souls, in preaching the gospel.  Not in feeling that I still feel like a little girl, not that I'm missing my dad, not that I so desire to have a family.  Nope, singleness is what He has given me and I am supposed to be focused on ministry.

 

My life is supposed to be an open book to Him but what happens when it's not?  That's why I say we don't really like honesty.  Because what we see as surrender and honesty is not what Jesus sees.  He already knows everything about you, so why then do we hide?  Why are we so afraid to just speak to Him about those issues?  My friend put it in a real simple but tangible way.  She said it's like when her son spills a cup of water on the floor and then scrambles to clean it up.  Not knowing that she's there looking and watching and saw what happened.  Then he comes to her and talks to her about all these good things that happened that day and he's just smiling like nothing happened.  She's just waiting for him to say, "Mom, I spilled a cup of water on the floor."  As simple as that is, that how Jesus is with us.  He already knows and He sees, He's just waiting for us to confess those things.  He wants the confession so He can tell you, "I know, I just wanted you to say something."  In that simple phrase Jesus is telling you, He already knew but He just needs you to speak so that now it can be dealt with.  Jesus isn't vengeful and looking to tell you 'I told you so!' or rub it in but to let you know He cares.

 

He cares about the very things you care about.  If it is a concern for you, it's a concern for Him.  God is our father and He wants to be that true father but He can't if you don't allow Him to and this is where I am.  I want God to be my father, the father who cares about my the pain and insecurity I've carried around since I was a child.  He wants to be that father that can hold and embrace you and tell you how beautiful you are even when no one else said anything to you.  God wants to know that you desire to be married and have a family.  He wants to hear that you fear being by yourself.  He wants to hear you say that you worry about your family.  God wants to hear you tell Him what you may consider the silly things, that there's this guy you think is cute.  That you like having a flower garden.  I don't know.  God just wants to hear you tell Him about the truth about yourself no matter how cheesy, deep or petty it may seem in your eyes. 

 

Psalm 139 brings it back, that He knows you better than you know yourself and that His thoughts for you are amazing.  He thinks the world of you but you have to be honest and let Him know how you feel.  I don't always feel pretty, or competent, or put together or even worth it.  But in telling Him these things, I am letting Jesus into those closed off areas and He is slowly but surely healing me.  It takes humility to tell Jesus how you really feel about different things and without pretense.  My biggest issue was to tell Him I don't think I'm worth having a partner because of how I lived.  I don't think that I deserve one of His sons.  And though people can quote book, chapter, verse to me, it really hasn't done anything.  I needed to hear from Him myself.  I needed to know that He says in Psalm 139:17-18 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me!  I needed that to really sink into my being but it took me being so honest about who I am and how I feel and then to let it be.  I still have this fear of being hurt once I open myself up to Jesus and I am not going to lie about that because I equate His responses to man but Jesus is not man.  This has been a long, hard journey but I am no where close to the end. 

 

All I know is that if we are really going to live fully surrendered lives then that means we need to be honest with Jesus.  He's standing there watching you spill the water, He's just waiting for you to say so.  I hope that you would be humble enough to just say, "Jesus, I spilled the water and tried cleaning it up myself."

 

 



Weak

I'm weak.  I'm not as strong a people make me out to be.  I mean honestly, I don't know what makes others say that about me.  I am weak and really more so tired!  I hear a lot about people saying they're tired and just need sleep but I'm talking beyond just the physical capacity of being tired.  You know.... that tired that sleep can't seem to fix.  It's that tired where you just don't know what to do.  I've been physically tired because of running around so much, not enough time to get done everything and you just crash.  And then if you've been like me, spiritually tired where your body is fine but your spirit needs some time to reconnect and recharge.  Get things back in order.  But have you ever been in a place where you are both simultaneously?????  That's where I am!  It's a hard place to be in.  You are physically exhausted but you have nothing spiritually to connect you or rejuvenate you.  You feel like your stuck..... you question everything, you question your existence, you question your purpose, you even question your living..... def not an easy spot to be in.  You want for things to change but you don't know how.... You know or at least believe you were made for more.  You just want a straight answer for all the mess and crap you've gone through that has brought you here.  I mean maybe you don't but I know I do.  I want to know the who, what, where, when and why.

It's in these sacred spaces that I have to turn to Christ and look at Him like a little girl just wanting some understanding.  I look up to Him like as though I'm sitting on His lap, with a teddy bear in tow, and eyes big and wide open just wanting to know, why?  Not me screaming why, but a soft whisper.  With tears trailing down my face on either side, not mad or upset just longing.  Longing for an answer that would make sense to everything that is happening.  Then He does something so different me makes me remember my oldest brother, a conversation we had..... it makes me laugh, then like clock work cry.... more tears, He makes me think about mother and how she loves me.... I mean how she sooooo loves me, she would sacrifice and has sacrificed me, how whenever I got home from the hospital she was there with me, her presence casting it's unconditional love on me.... Then He made me think of my 2 closets girlfriends and at times one would just come and jump on me and hug me just because she loved me and how the other one would sit with me and encourage me to live.... to not be afraid and make me smile and show me to just live!  

With tears steadily flowing down my face, I look up and He smiles.  He really doesn't say anything but smiles at me and for whatever reason, it works.  I know it will all be ok.  No matter how tired, how at times I feel like Paul in Philippians where he tells the chrisitians that he would like to die to with Christ.  I understand.  I totally understand.  However, Paul comes back and says that it's better for him to stay and do what God has called him to.  Christ points me back to His scripture and shows me in that moment that though my fears be valid, He's more valid than any of that put together.  Honestly, He reminds me that He loves me.  That I am His child and He loves me.  That alone gives me strength and purpose.  

I am writing this on my front porch where I have been watching people for a good part of the day wondering what they're thinking and really thinking if they know that the bottom line of the gospel is love.  Not all these other things we like to attach to it but simply 'God Loves You!'  I know I constantly forget this... God loves me!!!  This is my purpose it's to show how much God loves His people, His creation, His masterpiece!  It's at these times when I'm purely empty that no matter what questions or misunderstandings and wanting to knows I have that my strength is regained, sitting on His lap, looking up into His eyes, with my teddy bear in tow and see His unconditional Love through His hands, the scars and the look He gives me, telling me, "I LOVE YOU!"

TKO

I'm a part of a leadership training course at my church/community and man, did I ever get a major gut check last night.  I mean, it was straight to the heart type of class last night.  It felt as though at one point I was in the room by myself and our teacher was speaking directly to me. Smh...... I felt that knot start to well up in my throat, my heart was like Nascar and my gut was doing Jet Lee stunts all at once.  Tears were on the verge of flowing down the well trodden path.  So you're wondering what was it that brought me to this place?  Well, let's just say that my/our concept of leadership in humanity is all jacked up!  We have this idea to look for people with natural leadership qualities and make them head's of businesses, corporations, organizations, institutions, groups, schools and even churches.  We think that they are the ones who have the ability to lead us best to whatever our endeavor is.  I mean, I thought so to.  I always thought about whatever job I got to move up the ladder.  I knew I could lead, that I was more than capable of bringing in results, making things happen and honestly, being in charge.  This was always a motive of mine no matter where I worked.  Gain management experience and continue to move up from there.

Well last night I got a very rude awakening.  One that almost knocked me out!  We read Phil. 2:3-11 which talks about the attitude of Christ.  Honestly, I've read this passage before.  I understood that we should think about others more than ourselves - the 'Humility' factor and that we should act like Jesus.  But what I wasn't ready for was the depth of character and attitude that Paul was asking us to be.  The real, true epitome of Christ!  To know that Jesus is all man and all God was something I understood but to really understand why He did what He did was and is revolutionary.  To read that Christ became a servant and not just any servant but in translation a servant really meaning a slave.(Look it up in the Greek if you don't believe me)  He became a slave, not to man but to His father and all the implications that it implies blew my mind.  I mean why, how, really??????  That's too deep for me.  I felt like I was drowning for a moment trying to get my footing, forgetting that I was way too off shore to touch the ground.  So I remembered, lay back and float.  I had to and I still am.  

This concept, this notion; the reality of Jesus becoming a slave to His father in order to do His bidding is really what this was about.  Yet Jesus was the epitome of what true leadership is!  Let that sink in for a minute.... I know I had to.  This passage was telling me what a true servant looks like... a slave to the Father.  Already, for those who are black, like myself, here in America or just about anywhere in the western hemisphere, this doesn't sit well.  We understood what slavery did and what it meant.  No rights, no choice & above all no FREEDOM!  This was and still is a hard pill to swallow.  To know that Jesus is asking us to become slaves is hard.  We naturally want to fight, rebel, run away and say 'Heck naw!' to that sort of idea and look at the person like the audacity and gall they have to even ask you such a thing.  It hurts, it's deep and partially humiliating.  But to Jesus it is the very thing that He did being all God and all man to serve His Father.

So then what does this have to do with what I first stated about the types of leaders we initially look for, well it has everything to do with it.  We look for the wrong things and for the wrong motives.  I did.  I wanted to be a leader because it was what I thought I should do.  It came naturally.  What I didn't understand was that a true leader needs to become a slave to the Father and serve whomever they are leading and think of them 1st and foremost.  To the point where you rarely think of yourself.  It's called serving.  Serving without motive other than to please your Father, God.  That's what I didn't understand.  Jesus looks for servants first whom can be shaped into leaders.  And for those of use with leadership qualities, it's a bit harder because we have to learn to serve 1st before leading.  It seems to go against our very nature but in reality this is what Jesus wants.  See I had it all backwards, which most of us do.  Really, the world does.  We want leaders who will serve but not understanding that having that mindset is what leads to acting like a demagogue.  It is always about yourself and what you can get from it.  It is about personal gain in some form or fashion.  It's not pure service.  There's always some reward of personal agenda behind this thinking.  It's not Jesus oriented... it lacks humility.  It's vanity in its most secretive and poisonous form.  

This was me!!!  This was my thinking... I didn't want to move up the corporate structure to serve others, I did it because I wanted it for myself.  I wanted to be successful and knew I could to.  I wanted for someone to pat me on my back.  I didn't purely do this to serve others.  I was making it a personal vanity.  I definitely wasn't exhibiting humility.  Phil. 2 called me out, plain and simple and it hurt!  With every truth that was being presented about true leadership, I hurt more. My heart sank, the pangs became that much more real, my spirit writhed within me, my soul couldn't justify itself anymore and began to withdraw itself.  It was too much, it was real, it was truth... unadulterated absolute truth.  I was on the verge of becoming a demagogue.  Oh, the mentality of it all.  It couldn't be more real than that.  I wanted to break down and cry... 'God forgive me... I am so selfish and wretched.  I don't deserve to be a leader.'  This is a hard truth to swallow.  Then for Jesus to say in Luke 22, when the disciples started fussing about who the greatest was, that this is how the gentiles act but not so for you.  He shut down their arguments.  He stopped the lies and the continuation of a fallacy that had lived for so long.  This was something they were used to, becoming a leader and bossing people around in its simplicity.  Having a personal agenda covering it up in the name of God and thinking it was ok.  Nope! Not to Jesus.  This was the very thinking that He did not want us to follow.  Jesus plainly stated that in order to be great you MUST serve.  There was no room for error here.  Just as He came and served yet is still the greatest leader there ever was, so we must do the same.  Remember serving meant taking the place of a slave but in order to please God.

This is why last night my concept of leadership totally got knocked out like a Tyson fight.  I started to really understand that to lead, I must serve but my Father.  It comes through taking care of those He tells me to.  The hungry, the orphan, the widows, even more plainly those whom you probably don't think twice about.  Your friends, your family, that annoying co-worker.  Yea, true humility.  Doing things without a personal agenda.  I know for all of us natural leaders this is not an easy task but the great thing is that it's not impossible either.  We have the choice to choose humility and become a servant to others.  God doesn't shove this down our throat.  We can learn how to serve with pure motives, please God.  Nothing more, nothing less.  So today and really for the rest of my life I pray, 'God make me a servant', because that knock out makes it worth it all.  

Worthwhile

There's this awesome quote I heard over a week ago, 'In any relationship (worth having) there must be an element of risk.'  I know to you it may not seem so deep of amazing as it is to me but I'll let you know why, see I've fallen into the category of taking 'Calculated Risks'.  I like to weigh my options, see what makes sense, put the pros against the cons and then go from there.  It seems like this should be a great thing.  It's quite intelligible.  It makes sense, it's what we as people, civilized and educated are to do... Let me be really honest right now, this is the reason many of us live quite comfortable lives, take our allotted 2 weeks of vacation each year may be an extra if we attach the unused sick days.  Have an idealized vision of how we want life to be and even as Christ followers.  Please understand, I have no issues with anyone looking to work in a corporate structure or wanting the nice house with the white picket fence.  I have no issues with anyone who loves business in that sense or who dreams of moving up the ladder or being part of a major organization in that matter.  What I am finding and understanding in myself in this is when was the last time I took a risk in any relationship I felt was worth having?  The sad truth is not as frequent as I would like it.

I woke up this morning singing Micah Stampley's Unfailing Love.  I was in the shower and the song just kept repeating itself again and again in my mind.  When I was done and got dressed I had to find the song, so I searched for it on my phone and drove to work listening to it.  Honestly, I'm still listening to it even as I'm writing this.  The thing that gets me and why any of the quote and song make sense is because thinking about taking risks and Jesus' unfailing love for us, I thought, 'Wow, He took an awesome risk dying for us knowing that some people still would reject Him and make it seem as if His death wasn't good enough.' ...... I had to pause and really think about this.  I mean Jesus took the ultimate risk, He died, He gave His life for people that would not accept it just so that really, in essence He could have a relationship with us.  That blew my mind!!!  Still thinking about it now, it blows my mind.  

So taking a step back, re-stating what I said earlier with the quote, "In any relationship worth having there must be an element of risk."  In seeing myself really seeing myself, I understand that I haven't been taking risks.  So I haven't really been investing in those type of relationships worth having.  I haven't gone deeper and really risked anything of myself.  That's the harsh reality and as many Christians know, we here in the western hemisphere live in a way where we don't really take risks at all in our relationships.  We need to know what the outcome is going to be.  We need to know the pros and cons, we need to weigh our options but to the contrary 'Unfailing Love' throws all that out the window and simply says, 'I love you! I want to really get to know you even if it risks my heart or life.'  This is what Jesus did!  So why can't we do the same thing.  Unfailing Love doesn't always make natural sense or even seem sensible in any sort of manner but the amazing thing is this, when you do take that risk and you look back on a thriving relationship however it may be, best friends, family, spouses etc. you have a bond and a love that is untouchable and you are in a place where you will do anything for that person(s).  It becomes a true reflection of Jesus!

Understand, when I say risks, I don't mean anything that is life threatening or that will remove you from God's will and your relationship with Him.  I mean stop always making educational guesses.  Stop taking 'Calculated Risks'.  Stop weighing everything and figuring out your options or the outcome.  Be like Christ.  Let your heart lead.  I know that sounds cliche but really open up that part of you that you are afraid of having others see.  Stop holding back your personality.  Let the Holy Spirit open up those places that we try and hide so dearly to.  Risk your sensibility, your true passion, even your thought process.  Just like it took a risk for you to know Jesus, it's going to take a risk for you to really get to know other people, no matter who they are.  Let's get this one thing straight, everyone is liable to hurt you and the level that they are able to hurt you is also exponential.  

However, that all is a part of risk.  If you are anything like me, this is really scary.  It brings in the element of the unknown.  I think about my heart, I think about not wanting to be hurt. I think...... I just start thinking too much.  But I so desire to like Jesus in how he was able to talk to perfect strangers.  How He was able to just be so open and relatable.  So we have to talk to the homeless man who is sitting outside of the restaurant  who is hungry and just wants a hot meal.  Build a relationship with him.  Talk to your wife/husband who gets on your last 'holy nerve' who can't seem to do anything right in your eyes and dig deeper with her/him.  Build a true relationship with her/him.  Talk to your roommate whose personality is the total opposite of your's and really get to know her.  Build a relationship with her.  Talk to your father whom you have been distant from and risk your heart.  Build a relationship with him.  This is exactly what Jesus did for us.  He's not asking you to die for that person, He just wants you to do as He did, risk, talk and love those whom you probably never would have given a second thought.  We all have someone(s) whom we dismiss and feel like that's too much of a risk or so far out of our comfort zone to talk to.

I may be dead wrong but all I know is this we, I don't like risking because of realness of a negative outcome, however the truth is: 

Element of Risk + Worth While Relationship = True Intimacy 

and bottom line that's what we ALL want.  We all want intimacy but if we do not take the chance to have true worthwhile relationships, we'll be lacking in the very thing God created us for and Jesus died for. So once again, 

"In any relationship worth having there must be an element of risk"

I don't know about you but I want to go deeper in my relationships and have what Jesus had.  Happy Risk Taking!!!

Mentality Check

I decided to create this because there are a lot of things I enjoy and am into but wanted a place to be as random and open about it.  So this may be spastic or seem everywhere at times but that's just me.  Like today, it has been hard and good at the same time.  I woke up at 3am with excruciating pain.  Not fun at all but I was having a sickle cell crisis that came out of nowhere.  If you me, the 1st thing that came to my mind was 2 fold, 'What did I do?' and 'the hospital!' It was quite extreme in thought but it's the reality of what I go through.  I was trying to run through what I did earlier that day.  Whether I was stressed and didn't know, if I ate properly, if I had enough water to drink etc.  My mind was racing but in the midst of the pain.  So I gave in and took some meds and you would have thought that as strong as they were that it would have helped but it didn't.  I mean picture it, I was pitiful, lol.  I looked a hot mess and in pain with no relief.  I decided to play some Fred Hammond, Donnie McClurkin, and others to get my mind focused and back in touch with my spirit.  

Man, it was a rough night.  I didn't fall back asleep until about 6:45am just to have to get back up at 7:30 so I could get ready for church.  S/N: I feel at times that I think way too much of others and my word then my health.  Why when all this was going on, I could only think about the how I needed to be in church so that I could run media because that was my responsibility and then about my nanny job that was beginning on Monday and how I gave my word to be there.  I didn't want to let anyone down and wanted to make sure no matter what that I kept my word.  I don't know but maybe it's a shame that I think this way.  Whenever I get sick, I always immediately revert to the things that I gave my word to and how being sick in that moment is really inconvenient, not that it's ever convenient.  Why couldn't it be a different day, why did it have to be a day when I have major responsibilities, why couldn't it be when I wasn't working, lol.  I have issues.  Anyway, it just seems that things get out of whack mentally for me when I get to this point.  

There is so much of me that is off but in these moments I am beyond grateful because I see God's grace on my life daily.  As crazy of a day I had, I see where I am weak an in those moments, I see God's strength even that much more.  Why should I think that me not being able to complete a task means that it wouldn't get done?  That's a prideful state to be in or even posture to have.  This is what I mean that I see Jesus.  Through personal self examination and insight I understand that really, I'm a small collective of the whole and the world will not end if I am not able to keep my word especially when circumstances make it to be so.  I am just a small collective of the whole and it's as simple as that.