I decided to create this because there are a lot of things I enjoy and am into but wanted a place to be as random and open about it. So this may be spastic or seem everywhere at times but that's just me. Like today, it has been hard and good at the same time. I woke up at 3am with excruciating pain. Not fun at all but I was having a sickle cell crisis that came out of nowhere. If you me, the 1st thing that came to my mind was 2 fold, 'What did I do?' and 'the hospital!' It was quite extreme in thought but it's the reality of what I go through. I was trying to run through what I did earlier that day. Whether I was stressed and didn't know, if I ate properly, if I had enough water to drink etc. My mind was racing but in the midst of the pain. So I gave in and took some meds and you would have thought that as strong as they were that it would have helped but it didn't. I mean picture it, I was pitiful, lol. I looked a hot mess and in pain with no relief. I decided to play some Fred Hammond, Donnie McClurkin, and others to get my mind focused and back in touch with my spirit.
Man, it was a rough night. I didn't fall back asleep until about 6:45am just to have to get back up at 7:30 so I could get ready for church. S/N: I feel at times that I think way too much of others and my word then my health. Why when all this was going on, I could only think about the how I needed to be in church so that I could run media because that was my responsibility and then about my nanny job that was beginning on Monday and how I gave my word to be there. I didn't want to let anyone down and wanted to make sure no matter what that I kept my word. I don't know but maybe it's a shame that I think this way. Whenever I get sick, I always immediately revert to the things that I gave my word to and how being sick in that moment is really inconvenient, not that it's ever convenient. Why couldn't it be a different day, why did it have to be a day when I have major responsibilities, why couldn't it be when I wasn't working, lol. I have issues. Anyway, it just seems that things get out of whack mentally for me when I get to this point.
There is so much of me that is off but in these moments I am beyond grateful because I see God's grace on my life daily. As crazy of a day I had, I see where I am weak an in those moments, I see God's strength even that much more. Why should I think that me not being able to complete a task means that it wouldn't get done? That's a prideful state to be in or even posture to have. This is what I mean that I see Jesus. Through personal self examination and insight I understand that really, I'm a small collective of the whole and the world will not end if I am not able to keep my word especially when circumstances make it to be so. I am just a small collective of the whole and it's as simple as that.
