I'm weak. I'm not as strong a people make me out to be. I mean honestly, I don't know what makes others say that about me. I am weak and really more so tired! I hear a lot about people saying they're tired and just need sleep but I'm talking beyond just the physical capacity of being tired. You know.... that tired that sleep can't seem to fix. It's that tired where you just don't know what to do. I've been physically tired because of running around so much, not enough time to get done everything and you just crash. And then if you've been like me, spiritually tired where your body is fine but your spirit needs some time to reconnect and recharge. Get things back in order. But have you ever been in a place where you are both simultaneously????? That's where I am! It's a hard place to be in. You are physically exhausted but you have nothing spiritually to connect you or rejuvenate you. You feel like your stuck..... you question everything, you question your existence, you question your purpose, you even question your living..... def not an easy spot to be in. You want for things to change but you don't know how.... You know or at least believe you were made for more. You just want a straight answer for all the mess and crap you've gone through that has brought you here. I mean maybe you don't but I know I do. I want to know the who, what, where, when and why.
It's in these sacred spaces that I have to turn to Christ and look at Him like a little girl just wanting some understanding. I look up to Him like as though I'm sitting on His lap, with a teddy bear in tow, and eyes big and wide open just wanting to know, why? Not me screaming why, but a soft whisper. With tears trailing down my face on either side, not mad or upset just longing. Longing for an answer that would make sense to everything that is happening. Then He does something so different me makes me remember my oldest brother, a conversation we had..... it makes me laugh, then like clock work cry.... more tears, He makes me think about mother and how she loves me.... I mean how she sooooo loves me, she would sacrifice and has sacrificed me, how whenever I got home from the hospital she was there with me, her presence casting it's unconditional love on me.... Then He made me think of my 2 closets girlfriends and at times one would just come and jump on me and hug me just because she loved me and how the other one would sit with me and encourage me to live.... to not be afraid and make me smile and show me to just live!
With tears steadily flowing down my face, I look up and He smiles. He really doesn't say anything but smiles at me and for whatever reason, it works. I know it will all be ok. No matter how tired, how at times I feel like Paul in Philippians where he tells the chrisitians that he would like to die to with Christ. I understand. I totally understand. However, Paul comes back and says that it's better for him to stay and do what God has called him to. Christ points me back to His scripture and shows me in that moment that though my fears be valid, He's more valid than any of that put together. Honestly, He reminds me that He loves me. That I am His child and He loves me. That alone gives me strength and purpose.
I am writing this on my front porch where I have been watching people for a good part of the day wondering what they're thinking and really thinking if they know that the bottom line of the gospel is love. Not all these other things we like to attach to it but simply 'God Loves You!' I know I constantly forget this... God loves me!!! This is my purpose it's to show how much God loves His people, His creation, His masterpiece! It's at these times when I'm purely empty that no matter what questions or misunderstandings and wanting to knows I have that my strength is regained, sitting on His lap, looking up into His eyes, with my teddy bear in tow and see His unconditional Love through His hands, the scars and the look He gives me, telling me, "I LOVE YOU!"
