Expectation

I've been told by others what I am good at and should excel in since I was a child.  I've been told you're great with words, you should teach, you should write a book, you should preach, you should do workshops, you should be in politics, you should do spoken word, you should... and the list goes on and on.  Honestly, I am all of that and none of that at all.  For me, I have a problem when it comes to expectations whether others or my own.  I've lived under this umbrella better yet, weight, of what others expect of me or for me to be and become or even what I place on myself.  Understand, I am a natural achiever, it is how I am hard wired, it's what makes me function as I do.  It's literally ingrained within me.  I do not know how to look at situations or challenges and not see how I or others can achieve or strive to in it.  Literally, my mind is hardwired to see strategies in everything and come up with some sort of solution.  It's me, it's who I am, so package that with having others tell you who you are supposed to be is a recipe for disaster and in reality that has been my life underneath it all.  

Let me back track and even explain why I'm talking about this especially with it being the new year.  I am not trying, just a few days into this year, to be 'Debbie Downer', I am just realizing somethings about myself and want to be honest about where I am in order to move forward.  Just recently because of a situation that took place, my friend and I were out listening to a live band and at one point I zoned out.  She saw that I was not present anymore.  My mind was somewhere else, my demeanor had changed, and my body language spoke volumes.  She, being a friend I can count on, proceeded to ask me what happened and I then tried my best to articulate or formulate some understanding of what had just taken place.  I knew what happened but I didn't know how to describe it.  The best way to label it was, "Questions & Quandaries".  My mind, in that split second of choosing to zone out, starting firing off questions of who, what, when, where, and how.  I was thinking about the future.  I was comparing myself and wondering how can I measure up.  I was questioning my ability, my presence, my purpose all in that small space.  Others that don't know me would not have thought anything of it but my friend did and thank God she did.

See, it's in moments like this that my mind projects expectations, whether false or real, most of the time false, and I start my game of "Questions & Quandaries" and then become very silently overwhelmed.  No one ever knows because I never say anything but mentally, I'm at the front door of whatever the situation is with my bags packed, ready to pick them up and walk out the door no matter what is behind me.  And best of all, I don't look back.  I don't look to see if someone is asking me to come back or if the door is shut or even if it were left open.  In my mind, it's over.  It was too much and I could not deliver so I'm out.  This is my way of running.  I'm not the dramatic, make a scene, scream or shout, or even the walk away looking back with longing and tear filled.  I am simple.  I pick up my bags and keep walking, at times this is the worst way to leave because either others don't know you've left since it was quiet or by the time they realize it's too late and you are way far off in the distance.  Worst off are the times when you don't give the other person a chance to speak or even come after you.  Really, I do this because I don't think I'm worth the hysterics or even coming after.  I've come to believe I'm not good enough and I cannot satisfy or reach whatever expectation has been placed in front of me, so I leave.

This has been my hidden secret, my weight, my shame, my failure.  I have lived with this weight of feeling as though I cannot accomplish anything I set my mind to or that even if I do the pleasure is momentary.  I do not know the feeling of setting and achieving a goal and it being satisfying because to me expectation is attached with disappointment.  As soon as I achieve something, I have 10 more people telling me what I should do next or become.  This has been such a detriment that now I place false expectations upon myself to obtain, that in reality should not be there.  As a young girl, I knew that whatever I wanted to do I could but somehow that changed and got twisted as I grew older. Then more and more I saw achievements as a burden.  The very thing that makes me thrive became the very thing that stripped me of my life.  "You should" translated to "I have to" and it shifted to what I should be when my environment or group of people changed.  I became such an amazing chameleon.  I was everything that others wanted me to be, yet nothing of that at all.  Behind closed doors, I was alone and would reel from the thought of trying to become anything, so I became nothing.  I didn't know who I was.  

For all the crying, trying to  figure out, personality tests, career tests, giftings, and prophecies given I was lost.  More lost than ever before.  Don't ask me, through all of this, how God was able to still keep me sane and speak to me.  Can you imagine living like that?  In church, people telling you what they see you becoming or how God's created you to be.  In school, teachers praising your intelligence and saying you should work at such and such because you will make it "Big", or at home having family tell you "You are the one...", whatever that's supposed to mean.  Everywhere I went, that's all I heard and that's what I received.  I started to become that very thing for each group, a poet, a preacher, a designer, a manager.  I was everything others wanted me to be and felt like an utter failure when I couldn't become "that" thing.  Even in relationships, I started taking on roles that were not me.  I had to think 10 steps ahead.  I had to anticipate and project and not be the nag, not be the bossy one, not be too opinionated, or show anger, I had to defy the unspoken code of expectations.  Yes, I had to be the desireable one.  

These lies and falsehoods were my skewed vantage point.  Taking on things that I never should have, reaching for stars that were never meant to be mine, and projecting a picture of poised personality no matter the cost.  This fake reality was always unraveling, yet I would pick up the string and convince myself that I was wrong for it unraveling and would work twice as hard to rewrap it up so it wouldn't come apart again.  Then slowly, the Holy Spirit would slip a knot out here, and by the time I realized, didn't know what to do. He would cut a string here; pull a thread there and have bundles of thread on the floor, while I tried just holding onto whatever the core of this was.  Prior to that fatal evening of awakening, the Holy Spirit had been working on and revealing so many things to me that when my session on "Questions & Quandaries" took place, I didn't even realize what had really happened.  I was baffled, overwhelmed, annoyed, full of shame, and just wanted to pick those bags up and leave.  I was back here again.  However, this time it was different.  My friend in her way stood there in front of the door looking at me and snapping me out of it, took my bags out of my hand, set them down, closed the door and walked me to the couch to sit down.  She didn't let me leave or better yet, she made me stay. 

Though at times, I had that sudden urge to get out by any means necessary, I stayed.  Somethings, I didn't want to hear because it meant, I had to acknowledge somethings.  It meant, I needed to forgive some people, it meant I had to see the truth and let my ball of thread go.  My security was showing itself to not be secure at all but interestingly enough, I found that in the middle of all that thread, was this beautiful object.  It had a familiarity to me but since it was covered for so long, I couldn't recognize it.  Small but brilliant.  In this moment, sitting with my friend, I could see the Holy Spirit at work telling me, this is you.  Trust me and let me show you who you really are.  What was interesting in all of this was learning that there were no expectations.  You have to understand how this blew my mind, better it shattered my world.  My friend said to me, "You know there are no expectations for you."  Not in a rude manner but in an honest, matter of fact kind of way.  She was letting me know that all I needed was to be myself and not worry about what others think or putting false thoughts of how I think I'm supposed to be.  That night gave me freedom.  It brought a perspective that I had NEVER seen.  So this is why I said I have a problem with expectations.  I don't know how to live up to them but truly I don't want to anymore.  I want what God has promised me as the Holy Spirit said, "Let me show you who you really are... small but brilliant!" 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you what path to take.

Don't be impressed with your own wisdom.

Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

Then you will have healing for your body

and strength for your bones."

Provs. 3:5-8